Highs and Lows; life as Jason Murphy

Today was it, time me arraignment; be it good or bad.

The court room is full of people, booked from 9:00 til 1:30. It was very hectic and I almost broke down two times with a panic attack. I couldn’t tell what was imaged or real. I was overwhemled with such flying through my mind and images of the accident flickering. I was ever so nervous. Many of the people had their license revoked, some for DUI charges,  some people remanded to county Jail, any from 10 days to 60 days Probably a dozen people didn’t show up and now have an arrest warrant. I had no idea how much traffic violations. The way I figure, since I had tickets that might have tried to charge the (213 - red light violation) and a (166 - failure to yield to a pedestrian).  So at this point, I’m about reaching my limit… all i could think about was escaping to a safe place with noise, no light, just emptiness. Am I going to jail? Am I going to remnaded to the county jail? Large fines? Community service and so on.  My mind was overrun by my own sanity, or rather my lack. I can still hear the voices, I can see all faces staring me; all reaching out to steal lifeless soul. Did I mention that I’m crazy, and that today shook my ability to remain composed.

I was the only person in the court room that was clean cut, tie and vest included. So that gave some encouragement since most of people the in the court room look like they needed to be there!

So it was my time at the podium….

Three otions: not guilty, no contest, and alas….guilty. I plead guilty becuse i have values and a strong moral base. I don’t have any desire to defraud the system. I performed an illegal manuever, and will pay for. The charges remanded were reducued to $175 with no jail time, dismissal of the points (have to verify with DMV in a week) so, In the end, I think I faired pretty well.

Unfortunately the negative pessimistic voices are in full swing.. I even saw my coffee spill onto my laptop… but the cup is full the keyboard clean. I keep looking out my window to make sure people aren’t there, to get me.  The whispering voices are talking to each other, about what to do to me… what punishment would be adequate.

Note: my proofing is pretty rough, was trying to get things out and typed up before my memory was glossed over. Maybe I’ll edit it sometime.

Jason Murphy – Driver; “JM”

Pedestrian; “JW”

I (JM) was driving home from Church in Clearwater, FL on the afternoon of November 29^th, 2009. I (JM) worked my way home; I took the interstate junction for I-175. Shortly after that, the interstate ends and turns in a series of turn lanes. I (JM) maneuvered to the far right (exit onto 4^th Street) as I had planned to make a right turn on the signal since no vehicles were in front of my vehicle. I (JM) approached the traffic signal, and glanced to the left and I (JM) did not see any oncoming traffic. I (JM) then looked to my right and did not see any pedestrians in the crosswalk. Once more I looked to the left to verify there were still were not any oncoming vehicles. Once I (JM) was certain the path was clear I accelerated from a dead stop. Before I could stop (JW) had stepped in to the crosswalk. He (JW) had taken several steps was approximately 3-4 steps from the curb. He (JW) put his hands up against the vehicle but was pushed backwards before I could come to a complete stop. The victim wasn’t underneath my vehicle; rather he had fallen backward and was lying on pavement about 2-3 feet (JM) saw the pedestrian after only seconds before the vehicle collided with him (JM). The collision was at a very low speed, under 5 MPH as I (JM) can confirm as I was just starting the acceleration for my turn. He (JM) was knocked backwards and landed on his back, with a possible head injury indicated from bleeding from his skull. Several people, including myself (JM) tried to call 911. One of the on lookers was the first to report it. The 911 dispatcher asked me (JM) where the accident had occurred and was already aware of the accident and had dispatched emergency vehicles. I (JM) made every effort to report my error in driving and was honest with the officers as I recalled the actions that transpired. I (JM) was cited for failure to yield to a pedestrian. Later in the afternoon, officers arrived at my home to revoke the citation and but was returned later that day. My only wish is that that the victim (JW) makes a quick recovery. The officers did inform me that the victim (JW) was at Bayfront Medical Center (several blocks from the accident site) and in critical condition but stable but could not comment any further.

This was written as recalled by William Jason Murphy, November 30^th 2009.

William Jason Murphy

__________________________________ Date _____________________

It feels like I’m a narc addict at times with how many pills I take. Right now, I take 21 pills a day. It should hopefully drop down to 19 soon… but still; too many.

I can’t really complain, the cocktail we’ve made up now seems to be working.

So for those interested here are my current medications.

Anti-psychotic Agents:

Clozapine - most dangerous, can destroy the immune system and cause cardiac arrest, have to get weekly lab draws to make sure it isn’t damaging me.

Trilafon - older 1st generation anti-psychotic, working in combination therapy with the clozapine.

Mood Stabilizers:

Lamictal - this is a newer one for me, it is a mood stabilizer that also helps reduce hallucinations related to schizo-related disorders.

Lithium - one of the mainstays’ for the treatment of bipolar (I’m schizoaffective, so I have schizophrenia with bipolar disorder).

Depakote - another mood stabilizer to help manage the manic and depressive episodes associated with the bipolar aspect.

Anti-EPS (extrapryamidal symptoms; i.e. muscle spams and uncontrollable tremors):

Cogentin - this medication is designed to help reduce the tremors and muscle spasms the anti-psychotic medications cause.

Anti-anxiety:

Xanax - this medication is for anxiety and avoiding panic attacks since I have panic disorder.

Sleep aid:

Trazadone - this is a 1st generation anti-depressant that is now mainly used as a sleep aid, so it helps me sleep through the night.

Pain medications:

Darvocet - this one is for the chest pain from my thoracotomy surgery (still hurts quite a bit even a year later)

Fiorinal - this one is for migraines and works quite well.

So that’s my medicine cabinet, or should I say my lockbox. My mom is keeping the meds under lock and key until I’m “ready” to start managing my medicine again. It’s actually a bit of a relief not having to do it, it’s a pain in the butt. We bought a daily 4-column bill box so we can organize it better, so she fills a day in advance. The system is working, so no complaints from me.